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Goodbye DD…..

23 May

DD has left our marriage. That statement fills me with both sadness and relief. I’m sad because after all, it was me who introduced dd into my marriage and me who wanted to really make it work and me who kept pushing for it. But, it was also me who knew in my heart that since starting dd, my husband and I seemed to have more petty arguments and it was me who seemed always frustrated. I love that my husband was willing to go outside his comfort zone and try something that in a way went against everything he believed. I love that he continued to try even though he knew weeks ago that this wasn’t for us. Shockingly enough, it was also me who put an end to it. It seemed that the last few times my husband would do a maintenance, I would get very angry and finally two nights ago it happened again, but this time I said that’s it, I’m done, I am withdrawing consent, I do not want this anymore. I wan’t angry at my husband, I was angry at myself. I was angry that I couldn’t be the submissive wife I wanted to be and I was angry that I kept forcing this on us when I knew we were both unhappy with it. That night my husband and I had a long talk, a very honest and real talk. We both agreed that this lifestyle just wasn’t right for us. It may be perfect and right for other couples but for us, it just wasn’t and never was who we were. We talked about what was so wrong with us in the first place that we wanted to try this, and what we discovered was that there was nothing wrong with us.  We were happy before dd, we’ve always been happy. We’ve been together for 17 years and have been through so much, good and bad but we always got through it, together. My husband has never seen me as below him and I never saw myself that way. We’ve always been a team, we are more than husband and wife, we are best friends. I’ve said before that I was never a submissive person, I’ve never had authority in my life. I’ve always said what I felt and did what I felt was right. I don’t need my husband or anyone else for that matter to leave me a chore list, or tell me how to act or tell me what I can or cannot buy. I’m an adult. I know what needs to get done in the house, I am afterall a wife and mother. I am not going to let my family live in filth or go without eating, and I don’t need the threat of a punishment to do what I know I have to do. I don’t need to be told to respect my husband, I love him and therefore I will always respect him.

I’m not knocking DD, if it works for you, then God bless! It just doesn’t work for us. I believe it takes a very strong woman to be 100% submissive to her husband. It is not easy by any means to submit to anyone especially if you feel they are wrong and you are right. It takes an enormous amount of strength to submit to a punishment when you know that you are an adult, if you wanted to do what it is you did, you should be able to. I’ve read before that some wives get punished if they get to emotional or get anxiety. I could never wrap my head around that! If I get emotional then I get emotional and the one person in the world I should be comfortable with to let my guard down with is my husband! Why would I suppress my feelings or emotions around my husband? And I shouldn’t have to! The more we talked the more we both felt that for us, dd was just not what we wanted. I didn’t want to feel like a child, to feel that if I make a mistake that I would get punished. My husband didn’t want to punish me, for trivial things or anything. Some wives say that their husbands punish them BECAUSE they love them, because they care enough to hold them accountable, because they care enough to want to protect them, even from themselves. Well, my husband loves me more then he loves himself and my husband wants the best for me and my husband does protect me, even from myself. The difference is my husband doesn’t need the help of a paddle or a belt to do all that.

I mentioned the group on Facebook called “life with DD” in my last entry and I told my fellow group members about our decision to stop practicing dd. Not surprising, everyone in the group was and is completely supportive of our choice. Which is one of the reasons I have decided to remain in the group. I love that regardless of the type of marriage I have, these people offer nothing but love and support. The other reason I have chosen to remain in the group is because as stated by another wife, I can still offer support and advice having been where they are.

Will dd be forever gone from my marriage? Only time will tell, but for now it is gone. I am content with our decision because whether or not we practice in no way determines how much my husband and I love, respect and honor the other. The love that has always been there will always be there, we’ve just decided to remove something that seemed to only complicate things.

DD on a hiatus???

18 May

Well, I haven’t been on here much the last 2 weeks or so. There has been so much going on that I haven’t had any time at all. My husband has been battling some type of infection that has really taken a toll on him. It started with joint pain and seemed every day came with a new symptom. He went to his dr several times and had blood work and x-rays done but was not getting better. He was going to go back to work last Monday regardless of how he felt because he had already lost so much time. That Sunday his throat was really bothering him and by the time night came, he was sweating profusely and felt very dizzy. Now, I am the first one to say that when men are sick they are the biggest babies! (Sorry guys, but it’s true) A common cold to them and they act like they are on their death bed!! But I knew that something was really wrong, he wasn’t exaggerating. He went into the kitchen for something and I saw him out of the corner of my eye as I was sitting on the couch holding our daughter. All of a sudden, I heard a loud crash and he was on the floor! I quickly put our daughter down and ran to him. He was conscience at this point but had no idea what happened. My husband is a big man, 6ft 240lbs of muscle. I am 5’2 and more than 100lbs lighter than him, so there was no way I was picking him up, but I was gonna kill myself trying. I got him up and made sure he was ok. I wanted to call an ambulance but he was adamant on that NOT happening. Again, me trying my hardest to be the obedient submissive wife did not call; however I did tell him that if I felt he was getting worse, I was calling whether he liked it or not!

The next day I took him to my dr and he started him on a strong antibiotic. Thank God he started to feel better within the next 3 days. Now, he is back to himself and things were finally starting to get back to normal, except for the dd part of our marriage. Frustration has made a visit and she seems quiet comfortable 😦

Obviously, things were not normal around here while he was sick. The one who is always strong and firm was now laid up and I was doing everything and being both mom and dad. Taking care of him was never an issue or inconvenience to me. I love taking care of my family, I just hate to see any of them suffer. Needless to say, being the strong one who is doing everything and being the submissive one don’t exactly go hand in hand.

The night his medicine was ready at the pharmacy is a perfect example. It was about 10pm and I got the text that it was ready for pick up. The store is literally up the block, you can see the corner from our porch. At this point, I was so overwhelmed. I needed to get out and clear my head. I do this by walking. So, I decided that I would walk to the store to get his medicine. I knew he needed to start it asap and I needed to escape for 10 minutes. Once he realized I planned on walking, I was met with a stern “no”. I guess you can say that I wasn’t exacty feeling submissive because I went anyway. To make matters worse, my phone died halfway there so I didn’t get his text until I plugged my phone in when I got home. His text was simple, “you disobeyed me, I am not happy. This will not be forgotten, there will be consequences”. I knew he wasn’t able to do anything at that time and his memory isn’t the greatest, so I didn’t worry too much about it. Normally I have to ask permission to use my phone or tablet because he feels I spend to much time on both and wants to regulate my use. During this time I wasn’t going to ask him every time, was I supposed to wake him and ask to use my phone to call the dr? No. So, yes, the rules and consequences weren’t exactly playing a part at this time and I have to admit, I was feeling the frustration build. Not that I missed the consequences, but I did miss our normal. I missed knowing and feeling that HE was the leader and the strong one. I missed submitting to him and feeling the closeness that brings to us. So, when he started to feel better I was extremely happy! Not that I would admit this to him, but a part of me kinda wanted a maintenance just to clean the slate. Start fresh, get back into our respected roles. I was anticipating when that might happen or if he planned on punishing me for some rules I had broken, if he remembered.

Thursday came and he was pretty much back at 100% . He had made some comments or threats that I had a punishment coming my way that night for walking to the store at night. Ok, so he did remember and he was still angry about it. Safety is his biggest issue, along with respect and obedience. I broke all of them. So, night came and both kids were sound asleep. He went into the bedroom and waited for me to get out of the shower. After I was done, I climbed onto the bed next to him waiting for the lecture to start. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me and started kissing me. Obviously during the time he was sick, sex was non existent and he clearly missed it as much as I did. He told me that he didn’t want to punish me that night because he wanted me to know how much he appreciated everything I had done during that time. So instead of a punishment I got amazing sex, I’ll take that trade any day 🙂 He did however say that the punishment was not being forgotten, it just wasn’t going to happen that night, but tomorrow was a whole new story.

Friday came and went, no punishment. Now, any other wife in this lifestyle I think will agree with me when I say that waiting for a punishment is sometimes worse than the actual punishment! I am not a patient person and if I know I have a punishment coming, I’d rather get it done and over with. By now, I really was feeling guilty for what I had done. I caused him to worry for no reason while he was sick. I caused him more stress that he didn’t need or deserve.  I didn’t say anything about it on Friday, but I think he started to see my frustration. Saturday came and we had a busy day of shopping and cleaning. Our neighbor wanted to take us out to dinner, so by the time we got home it was after nine. We put the kids to bed and went to relax.  I had made a few passive aggressive comments throughout the day regarding my annoyance over him making empty threats and not doing what he says he’s going to. That night I was kindly informed that I was getting a spanking and that it was only 1 out of the 3 I had earned myself. He made true on his threat and I got spanked (hard) that night.

I am always (I feel) the most submissive after a punishment. We went to bed and I fell asleep in his arms feeling relieved and loved. Sunday came and usually during the day the only punishment he’ll issue is a writing assignment because our son is home. That afternoon though our son went out to play and my husband told me to go into the bedroom. I did, but had no idea why. I got spanking 2 out of 3 at that moment. I was defintely surprised by him doing it during the day but he said he was going to take every chance he got. I was expecting number 3 to come that night, but it didn’t. I wasn’t frustrated, I was relieved. I was sore, bruised and was in no hurry to see his belt anytime soon.

The doctor had put him out of work another week, so Monday morning he was home with me. I wasn’t sure if the last spanking was going to happen or when it was going to happen, so I said nothing and just went about my day with anticipation sitting in my stomach. Well, here we are Tuesday evening and still nothing. He had given me a writing assignment Sunday evening that I still haven’t finished. Normally, any writing I have to do must be completed before bed on the day it’s given, but this was a long one so I knew I had Monday to complete it. I worked on it a little yesterday but still didn’t finish. I haven’t even looked at it today. I can feel the rebellion building. I want so badly to be submissive but I feel I need a dominant man to submit to. It’s hard to submit to a man who you feel is slipping in his role.  It may very well be me, maybe it’s me who has the problem. Why do I have this need to feel his complete dominance over me at all times? Why can’t a few days go by without the mention of anything dd related without me getting all frustrated?  I get very annoyed when he makes a comment about how I get frustrated if a few days go by with no punishments because it really is not about the punishments at all!! Yes, I do feel the most submissive after one but that is not what I am missing or craving. What I am missing is knowing HE is in control! I miss his authority, his leadership. If there was never another punishment but he made it known that he was the head of our home, I would be content. I miss him feeling and behaving as though he is the strong, dominant leader of our family.

This entry has been writen over the course of a few days, so at this point I am way passed frustrated! It’s Saturday and I can’t help but feel that dd has left our home, I don’t know if it’s coming back….. I hope it will.

Nothing, absolutely nothing has happened despite me telling him why I am frustrated. We went on Thursday to a gun range and I was able to release some built up frustrations with the help of a .22, .38, a long rifle, a 20 gauge shotgun and a wasser 10. It helped but I still have an overwhelming need to feel my husband’s control, his dominance. We did talk a little more about why things have seemed to change and I believe it’s because my husband seems to be in a depression. I think he feels weak and I think it has a lot to do with him being out of work. He has an enormous amount of pride and being sick and not working makes him feel like he is not providing for our family. I’ve battled depression my whole life so I do understand and I try and get him to see how much he really does provide for our family. There is nothing that myself or our kids need. He gives us everything, including things money cannot buy. He makes all of us feel secure, safe and loved. He provides guidance and friendship and is always there for each of us. Our family would not be a family without him.

I don’t want to keep bringing up dd or the lack of it, so I haven’t mentioned it at all. He knows what I want/need and when he feels he is ready to fullfil that role, he will. All I can do is wait and hope he comes back around quickly. I am still trying to be submissive, but it is not easy when the man I want to submit to doesn’t seem to care if I submit or not. He goes back to work on Monday, I’m hoping for something to click and for him to feel dominant again. We’ll see, but I don’t know how much longer I can continue pretending that I’m content before I snap.

Where did my husband go? I miss him terribly 😦

DD, our path to discovering what works for us and the bumps along the way

4 May

My husband and I have been living a committed DD lifestyle for about 3 months. Before that, I was pregnant and we didn’t feel it was the right time to try and change our entire lifestyle and immediately after the birth of our daughter we did decide to really dive into this and make it work. There were many many bumps along the way, especially in the beginning. It seemed to me that I was doing all the research and that I was the one really trying to incorporate it into our marriage while my husband seemed to just go along with whatever I found or whatever I said. I thought DD was where the husband led the marriage?? It  felt as though I was telling him what his role should be and what he should be doing, I was frustrated……. always frustrated!

There actually came a point when I was ready to give up. I didn’t want to, but I wasn’t happy. I was more frustrated now then I ever was. I always felt disappointed or let down or like I was pushing this lifestyle on my husband, and that was the last thing I wanted, for either of us. My husband seemed just as frustrated as I did, but his frustration was because I was frustrated. He had said from the very first time we talked about it that he felt we needed to mold DD around us, not the other way around. He had said numerous times that he didn’t want to change ME, just some of my behaviors and the way I spoke to him when I disagreed with him. We both agreed that some of the rules other couples had just wouldn’t work for us and some just weren’t needed. There was no need for him to leave me a “to do” list every morning because I knew what needed to get done and I would do it on my own. He didn’t think it was reasonable to not allow me to have a debit/credit card because if an emergency came up and he wasn’t with me, I needed to be able to handle it. The only rules we really had were that I always tell him where I was, who I was with and what I was doing. If I was out shopping, that I just ask him before spending a large amount of money. When I drove, to use the bluetooth to talk on the phone and to not text while I drove. When it came to our son, that I backed my husband up and didn’t undermine him in front of our son. So, there really weren’t many rules and for the most part I followed all of them. The issue came when I did happen to break a rule and he would say he was going to punish me for it. This is where I learned that my huband was consistently inconsistent and I was forever frustrated.

I completely understand and get that it is just as hard if not harder for the husband to punish his wife then it is for wife to receive the punishment. Don’t get me wrong, punishments are not easy for the wife by any means, especially one who is new to this lifestyle and has never had any type of authority or consequences in her life. But I do see how it is very tough for the man. He is the one who is causing his wife pain and in some cases, even cry. Men (most men) have been raised being taught that they should NEVER hit a woman, yet his wife is essentially asking him to. So, yes, I did understand my husband’s lack of enthusiam when it came time for a punishment, but for me it wasn’t about the punishment. It was more about him doing what he says and trying (really trying) to fulfill the role I have asked him to fill. To me, this lifestyle was not all about punishments and spankings, it was about him leading our family and me following his lead. It was about knowing what he expected from me and vice versa and then trying our best to meet those expectations. It was about communication, love and a feeling of being secure, something I had never felt in my life.

So, if I did break a rule and my husband said I was going to be punished for it, then I fully expected a punishment. I had no intention of trying to get out of it, especially if I knew what I had done was wrong. I accepted my fate. In our home, if the punishment he decided on was a spanking then it always had to wait until our kids were sleeping, for privacy reasons. God knows that with an 8yr old in the home, privacy is almost non existent. I had no problem waiting. Did I particularly enjoy the anticipation? NO!! I hated it!! I would rather just get it over and done with, but I knew that wasn’t possible, so I would wait, and wait and wait……frustration….. before I knew it, my husband was snoring away on the couch. When I would wake him, I knew full well that the punishment was not going to happen. I would mention it to him and the response I would get was either he was too tired or he had forgotten and now it was too late because he had to get up early. I had to get up early as well, if not earlier with our daughter, but I’m the type of person who can function perfectly on 4 hours sleep; however my husband needed at least 6-7 hours or else you didn’t want to know him the next day! This seemed to happen quite often and after awhile I just stopped mentioning it, but he could tell that something was bothering me when we got into bed, I guess I don’t hide my frustration well at all. He would ask what was wrong and I knew I probably should have been honest and told him, but I didn’t want to have to tell him. I wanted him to remember what he said and realize that was why I was annoyed. Whenever I did tell him or he figured it out, he seemed confused as to why I was upset by NOT getting punished, he figured I would be happy that he was too tired or he forgot. He didn’t understand that it wasn’t the punishment I wanted and needed, it was his consistency I needed. I needed to know and trust that he was a man of his word, that he cared enough to remember. This caused so many hard feelings and soon it was causing arguments. I was beyond tired of explaining what I needed from him, he was beyond tired of me always being frustrated. I tried writing him letters, I knew I expressed myself much better in writing than in speaking. He would read the letter and we would talk. We would agree to try a new approach to having to wait until our son was sleeping. He said we could handle a punishment as soon as our son went outside to play or that he would use a different form of punishment. (I think he thought spanking was the only way he could punish) I liked both those ideas and I was willing to try again.

Well, try again is what I did, not so much him. This is when I really started to feel that he didn’t want to live this way, he was only doing it for me. I didn’t want that, I wanted him to see the improvements that came from dd and see how much closer it brought us. He saw the opposite. He felt that since attempting this lifestyle we had more arguments and that it wasn’t bringing us closer, but instead putting a wedge between us. When he told me this, I was very very upset. I spent a few nights on the couch crying myself to sleep. I really didn’t want to give up. I wanted to try harder, do better, but I couldn’t do it alone, I needed my husband to be on board.

By this time I had found a wonderful group of men and women on facebook, all who were in dd marriages. It was and is a closed group, so none of my friends or family knew I was in this group. My husband was also in the group, albeit a silent member. I had become very close with the woman who created the group and she had asked me to be an administrator to help her weed out people asking to join from those who were serious and those who were into the fetish lifestyle. All of the members are in true dd marriages and although it is mainly the women who post and comment, everyone is so supportive of each other. We all understand that every couple practices differently but there is no judgment. We share experiences, give advice,comfort each other and sometimes vent. I have to admit that as much as I love the group and all the members, I found myself feeling a little jealous. They all seemed so content and happy and their husband’s seemed to really understand what their wife needed and they fulfilled that need. Some husbands were very strict, some were very simliar to my husband. I started to talk privately with some of the girls outside the group. I found friendships with these women and I can genuinely say that I value these friendships with all my heart. I knew none of them in person, we all live in different states. That’s the beauty of the internet, if not for facebook, I would never have these amazing people in my life. I go to the group multiple times a day. I ask for advice, I give advice and I find comfort. The group also allowed my husband to see how I was feeling by reading my posts and he got it……finally!!

Over the next few days, everything changed. He seemed to become this very dominant, controlling husband who had strict rules and who wasn’t playing games. He became the husband I wanted him to become. I was becoming a very submissive wife who only wanted to please my husband. Him being so dominant was also a huge turn on. Our love life went from great to amazing! I never felt more secure and loved. I was falling in love with my husband all over again and it was awesome!

Nothing ever lasts forever right? His dominance came in spurts. I’m sure being controlling and being a leader is exhausting so on days where he seemed to relax a bit, I didn’t get frustrated. I welcomed the breathing room. I knew he couldn’t be so extreme 24/7 and I didn’t want him to be. Some of the husband’s in the group were that extreme all the time and their wive’s seemed to feel as though they weren’t good enough or no matter how hard they tried, it was never enough. I didn’t want that. I wanted to find a balance, somewhere in the middle. I decided to write down things that I knew where important to him and things that were important to me. After doing that, I came up with my promises to him and things I was asking from him.

When he came home that day I presented him with 2 lists. One was titled “my promises” and the other was titled “what I ask of you”. My promises were essentially the rules. They were things that were important to us and if broken would justify some type of punishment. There was 20 of them, all were things that I knew I could improve on but were also very achievable. What I asked from him was a much shorter list and were basically things having to do with consistency. Again, all areas he could improve in but definitely doable. Now, we had a guide, a template to follow. Something to defer to, a solid piece of paper that would lessen the confusion.

We found our middle, and we are both happy. It takes work on both our parts but we are both really trying to make this work. Some days are easier than others. Like I said, I am NOT a submissive person by nature so it’s not always easy for me to submit to him. But, because he knows this about me, he is very patient with me. He is the king of a million warnings! We still have bumps, we seem to be going through a rough patch right now. That’s all written out in my recent post “dd on a hiatus”. I’m hoping to get through this rough spot quickly, it’s been about 2 weeks with dd seeming to be gone, and I am sad, frustrated and feeling a little hopeless that it might not return. I hope and pray that I am wrong. I don’t know why it’s so hard for us to just keep moving forward, we seem to do great for a few weeks then have a set back that lasts a while. It’s never me though that stops, it seems that after a while my husband falls off the dd bandwagon. I just don’t get it, he has to see how much better everything is when we are practicing 100%. I am so much more content, happy, loving and just easier to get along with. I’m not the type of wife who acts out hoping to get a punishment. I try and avoid them at all costs. I submit to whatever he decides. If he says he’s going to do a maintenance, I submit. If he tells me no about something, I obey. So why then does he seem to just stop??

I’m hoping we can get back to where we were a few weeks ago, before he got sick. I miss it, I miss the closeness, the secure feeling and most of all, I miss my strong dominant husband. If you see him, please send him home. He has a wife who desperately needs his love and guidance.

SIDE NOTE: regarding the group on Facebook I mentioned. If anyone who is in a genuine, committed dd marriage/relationship and is on facebook and is interested in joining the group, please let me know in a comment with your email address and I will direct you to how to become a member. But, please note, this group is NOT a fetish group or a bdsm group. We are a group of men and women who all live a genuine dd lifestyle. We offer friendships, support, advice and a feeling of having others to turn to who understand this lifestyle. Living this way can often times feel lonely and it’s been a blessing to have these amazing people in my life. Also, like I said, the groupnis completely private, so no one that your friends with on facebook will be able to see that you are a member:-)