DD on a hiatus???

18 May

Well, I haven’t been on here much the last 2 weeks or so. There has been so much going on that I haven’t had any time at all. My husband has been battling some type of infection that has really taken a toll on him. It started with joint pain and seemed every day came with a new symptom. He went to his dr several times and had blood work and x-rays done but was not getting better. He was going to go back to work last Monday regardless of how he felt because he had already lost so much time. That Sunday his throat was really bothering him and by the time night came, he was sweating profusely and felt very dizzy. Now, I am the first one to say that when men are sick they are the biggest babies! (Sorry guys, but it’s true) A common cold to them and they act like they are on their death bed!! But I knew that something was really wrong, he wasn’t exaggerating. He went into the kitchen for something and I saw him out of the corner of my eye as I was sitting on the couch holding our daughter. All of a sudden, I heard a loud crash and he was on the floor! I quickly put our daughter down and ran to him. He was conscience at this point but had no idea what happened. My husband is a big man, 6ft 240lbs of muscle. I am 5’2 and more than 100lbs lighter than him, so there was no way I was picking him up, but I was gonna kill myself trying. I got him up and made sure he was ok. I wanted to call an ambulance but he was adamant on that NOT happening. Again, me trying my hardest to be the obedient submissive wife did not call; however I did tell him that if I felt he was getting worse, I was calling whether he liked it or not!

The next day I took him to my dr and he started him on a strong antibiotic. Thank God he started to feel better within the next 3 days. Now, he is back to himself and things were finally starting to get back to normal, except for the dd part of our marriage. Frustration has made a visit and she seems quiet comfortable 😦

Obviously, things were not normal around here while he was sick. The one who is always strong and firm was now laid up and I was doing everything and being both mom and dad. Taking care of him was never an issue or inconvenience to me. I love taking care of my family, I just hate to see any of them suffer. Needless to say, being the strong one who is doing everything and being the submissive one don’t exactly go hand in hand.

The night his medicine was ready at the pharmacy is a perfect example. It was about 10pm and I got the text that it was ready for pick up. The store is literally up the block, you can see the corner from our porch. At this point, I was so overwhelmed. I needed to get out and clear my head. I do this by walking. So, I decided that I would walk to the store to get his medicine. I knew he needed to start it asap and I needed to escape for 10 minutes. Once he realized I planned on walking, I was met with a stern “no”. I guess you can say that I wasn’t exacty feeling submissive because I went anyway. To make matters worse, my phone died halfway there so I didn’t get his text until I plugged my phone in when I got home. His text was simple, “you disobeyed me, I am not happy. This will not be forgotten, there will be consequences”. I knew he wasn’t able to do anything at that time and his memory isn’t the greatest, so I didn’t worry too much about it. Normally I have to ask permission to use my phone or tablet because he feels I spend to much time on both and wants to regulate my use. During this time I wasn’t going to ask him every time, was I supposed to wake him and ask to use my phone to call the dr? No. So, yes, the rules and consequences weren’t exactly playing a part at this time and I have to admit, I was feeling the frustration build. Not that I missed the consequences, but I did miss our normal. I missed knowing and feeling that HE was the leader and the strong one. I missed submitting to him and feeling the closeness that brings to us. So, when he started to feel better I was extremely happy! Not that I would admit this to him, but a part of me kinda wanted a maintenance just to clean the slate. Start fresh, get back into our respected roles. I was anticipating when that might happen or if he planned on punishing me for some rules I had broken, if he remembered.

Thursday came and he was pretty much back at 100% . He had made some comments or threats that I had a punishment coming my way that night for walking to the store at night. Ok, so he did remember and he was still angry about it. Safety is his biggest issue, along with respect and obedience. I broke all of them. So, night came and both kids were sound asleep. He went into the bedroom and waited for me to get out of the shower. After I was done, I climbed onto the bed next to him waiting for the lecture to start. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me and started kissing me. Obviously during the time he was sick, sex was non existent and he clearly missed it as much as I did. He told me that he didn’t want to punish me that night because he wanted me to know how much he appreciated everything I had done during that time. So instead of a punishment I got amazing sex, I’ll take that trade any day 🙂 He did however say that the punishment was not being forgotten, it just wasn’t going to happen that night, but tomorrow was a whole new story.

Friday came and went, no punishment. Now, any other wife in this lifestyle I think will agree with me when I say that waiting for a punishment is sometimes worse than the actual punishment! I am not a patient person and if I know I have a punishment coming, I’d rather get it done and over with. By now, I really was feeling guilty for what I had done. I caused him to worry for no reason while he was sick. I caused him more stress that he didn’t need or deserve.  I didn’t say anything about it on Friday, but I think he started to see my frustration. Saturday came and we had a busy day of shopping and cleaning. Our neighbor wanted to take us out to dinner, so by the time we got home it was after nine. We put the kids to bed and went to relax.  I had made a few passive aggressive comments throughout the day regarding my annoyance over him making empty threats and not doing what he says he’s going to. That night I was kindly informed that I was getting a spanking and that it was only 1 out of the 3 I had earned myself. He made true on his threat and I got spanked (hard) that night.

I am always (I feel) the most submissive after a punishment. We went to bed and I fell asleep in his arms feeling relieved and loved. Sunday came and usually during the day the only punishment he’ll issue is a writing assignment because our son is home. That afternoon though our son went out to play and my husband told me to go into the bedroom. I did, but had no idea why. I got spanking 2 out of 3 at that moment. I was defintely surprised by him doing it during the day but he said he was going to take every chance he got. I was expecting number 3 to come that night, but it didn’t. I wasn’t frustrated, I was relieved. I was sore, bruised and was in no hurry to see his belt anytime soon.

The doctor had put him out of work another week, so Monday morning he was home with me. I wasn’t sure if the last spanking was going to happen or when it was going to happen, so I said nothing and just went about my day with anticipation sitting in my stomach. Well, here we are Tuesday evening and still nothing. He had given me a writing assignment Sunday evening that I still haven’t finished. Normally, any writing I have to do must be completed before bed on the day it’s given, but this was a long one so I knew I had Monday to complete it. I worked on it a little yesterday but still didn’t finish. I haven’t even looked at it today. I can feel the rebellion building. I want so badly to be submissive but I feel I need a dominant man to submit to. It’s hard to submit to a man who you feel is slipping in his role.  It may very well be me, maybe it’s me who has the problem. Why do I have this need to feel his complete dominance over me at all times? Why can’t a few days go by without the mention of anything dd related without me getting all frustrated?  I get very annoyed when he makes a comment about how I get frustrated if a few days go by with no punishments because it really is not about the punishments at all!! Yes, I do feel the most submissive after one but that is not what I am missing or craving. What I am missing is knowing HE is in control! I miss his authority, his leadership. If there was never another punishment but he made it known that he was the head of our home, I would be content. I miss him feeling and behaving as though he is the strong, dominant leader of our family.

This entry has been writen over the course of a few days, so at this point I am way passed frustrated! It’s Saturday and I can’t help but feel that dd has left our home, I don’t know if it’s coming back….. I hope it will.

Nothing, absolutely nothing has happened despite me telling him why I am frustrated. We went on Thursday to a gun range and I was able to release some built up frustrations with the help of a .22, .38, a long rifle, a 20 gauge shotgun and a wasser 10. It helped but I still have an overwhelming need to feel my husband’s control, his dominance. We did talk a little more about why things have seemed to change and I believe it’s because my husband seems to be in a depression. I think he feels weak and I think it has a lot to do with him being out of work. He has an enormous amount of pride and being sick and not working makes him feel like he is not providing for our family. I’ve battled depression my whole life so I do understand and I try and get him to see how much he really does provide for our family. There is nothing that myself or our kids need. He gives us everything, including things money cannot buy. He makes all of us feel secure, safe and loved. He provides guidance and friendship and is always there for each of us. Our family would not be a family without him.

I don’t want to keep bringing up dd or the lack of it, so I haven’t mentioned it at all. He knows what I want/need and when he feels he is ready to fullfil that role, he will. All I can do is wait and hope he comes back around quickly. I am still trying to be submissive, but it is not easy when the man I want to submit to doesn’t seem to care if I submit or not. He goes back to work on Monday, I’m hoping for something to click and for him to feel dominant again. We’ll see, but I don’t know how much longer I can continue pretending that I’m content before I snap.

Where did my husband go? I miss him terribly 😦

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