DD, our path to discovering what works for us and the bumps along the way

4 May

My husband and I have been living a committed DD lifestyle for about 3 months. Before that, I was pregnant and we didn’t feel it was the right time to try and change our entire lifestyle and immediately after the birth of our daughter we did decide to really dive into this and make it work. There were many many bumps along the way, especially in the beginning. It seemed to me that I was doing all the research and that I was the one really trying to incorporate it into our marriage while my husband seemed to just go along with whatever I found or whatever I said. I thought DD was where the husband led the marriage?? It  felt as though I was telling him what his role should be and what he should be doing, I was frustrated……. always frustrated!

There actually came a point when I was ready to give up. I didn’t want to, but I wasn’t happy. I was more frustrated now then I ever was. I always felt disappointed or let down or like I was pushing this lifestyle on my husband, and that was the last thing I wanted, for either of us. My husband seemed just as frustrated as I did, but his frustration was because I was frustrated. He had said from the very first time we talked about it that he felt we needed to mold DD around us, not the other way around. He had said numerous times that he didn’t want to change ME, just some of my behaviors and the way I spoke to him when I disagreed with him. We both agreed that some of the rules other couples had just wouldn’t work for us and some just weren’t needed. There was no need for him to leave me a “to do” list every morning because I knew what needed to get done and I would do it on my own. He didn’t think it was reasonable to not allow me to have a debit/credit card because if an emergency came up and he wasn’t with me, I needed to be able to handle it. The only rules we really had were that I always tell him where I was, who I was with and what I was doing. If I was out shopping, that I just ask him before spending a large amount of money. When I drove, to use the bluetooth to talk on the phone and to not text while I drove. When it came to our son, that I backed my husband up and didn’t undermine him in front of our son. So, there really weren’t many rules and for the most part I followed all of them. The issue came when I did happen to break a rule and he would say he was going to punish me for it. This is where I learned that my huband was consistently inconsistent and I was forever frustrated.

I completely understand and get that it is just as hard if not harder for the husband to punish his wife then it is for wife to receive the punishment. Don’t get me wrong, punishments are not easy for the wife by any means, especially one who is new to this lifestyle and has never had any type of authority or consequences in her life. But I do see how it is very tough for the man. He is the one who is causing his wife pain and in some cases, even cry. Men (most men) have been raised being taught that they should NEVER hit a woman, yet his wife is essentially asking him to. So, yes, I did understand my husband’s lack of enthusiam when it came time for a punishment, but for me it wasn’t about the punishment. It was more about him doing what he says and trying (really trying) to fulfill the role I have asked him to fill. To me, this lifestyle was not all about punishments and spankings, it was about him leading our family and me following his lead. It was about knowing what he expected from me and vice versa and then trying our best to meet those expectations. It was about communication, love and a feeling of being secure, something I had never felt in my life.

So, if I did break a rule and my husband said I was going to be punished for it, then I fully expected a punishment. I had no intention of trying to get out of it, especially if I knew what I had done was wrong. I accepted my fate. In our home, if the punishment he decided on was a spanking then it always had to wait until our kids were sleeping, for privacy reasons. God knows that with an 8yr old in the home, privacy is almost non existent. I had no problem waiting. Did I particularly enjoy the anticipation? NO!! I hated it!! I would rather just get it over and done with, but I knew that wasn’t possible, so I would wait, and wait and wait……frustration….. before I knew it, my husband was snoring away on the couch. When I would wake him, I knew full well that the punishment was not going to happen. I would mention it to him and the response I would get was either he was too tired or he had forgotten and now it was too late because he had to get up early. I had to get up early as well, if not earlier with our daughter, but I’m the type of person who can function perfectly on 4 hours sleep; however my husband needed at least 6-7 hours or else you didn’t want to know him the next day! This seemed to happen quite often and after awhile I just stopped mentioning it, but he could tell that something was bothering me when we got into bed, I guess I don’t hide my frustration well at all. He would ask what was wrong and I knew I probably should have been honest and told him, but I didn’t want to have to tell him. I wanted him to remember what he said and realize that was why I was annoyed. Whenever I did tell him or he figured it out, he seemed confused as to why I was upset by NOT getting punished, he figured I would be happy that he was too tired or he forgot. He didn’t understand that it wasn’t the punishment I wanted and needed, it was his consistency I needed. I needed to know and trust that he was a man of his word, that he cared enough to remember. This caused so many hard feelings and soon it was causing arguments. I was beyond tired of explaining what I needed from him, he was beyond tired of me always being frustrated. I tried writing him letters, I knew I expressed myself much better in writing than in speaking. He would read the letter and we would talk. We would agree to try a new approach to having to wait until our son was sleeping. He said we could handle a punishment as soon as our son went outside to play or that he would use a different form of punishment. (I think he thought spanking was the only way he could punish) I liked both those ideas and I was willing to try again.

Well, try again is what I did, not so much him. This is when I really started to feel that he didn’t want to live this way, he was only doing it for me. I didn’t want that, I wanted him to see the improvements that came from dd and see how much closer it brought us. He saw the opposite. He felt that since attempting this lifestyle we had more arguments and that it wasn’t bringing us closer, but instead putting a wedge between us. When he told me this, I was very very upset. I spent a few nights on the couch crying myself to sleep. I really didn’t want to give up. I wanted to try harder, do better, but I couldn’t do it alone, I needed my husband to be on board.

By this time I had found a wonderful group of men and women on facebook, all who were in dd marriages. It was and is a closed group, so none of my friends or family knew I was in this group. My husband was also in the group, albeit a silent member. I had become very close with the woman who created the group and she had asked me to be an administrator to help her weed out people asking to join from those who were serious and those who were into the fetish lifestyle. All of the members are in true dd marriages and although it is mainly the women who post and comment, everyone is so supportive of each other. We all understand that every couple practices differently but there is no judgment. We share experiences, give advice,comfort each other and sometimes vent. I have to admit that as much as I love the group and all the members, I found myself feeling a little jealous. They all seemed so content and happy and their husband’s seemed to really understand what their wife needed and they fulfilled that need. Some husbands were very strict, some were very simliar to my husband. I started to talk privately with some of the girls outside the group. I found friendships with these women and I can genuinely say that I value these friendships with all my heart. I knew none of them in person, we all live in different states. That’s the beauty of the internet, if not for facebook, I would never have these amazing people in my life. I go to the group multiple times a day. I ask for advice, I give advice and I find comfort. The group also allowed my husband to see how I was feeling by reading my posts and he got it……finally!!

Over the next few days, everything changed. He seemed to become this very dominant, controlling husband who had strict rules and who wasn’t playing games. He became the husband I wanted him to become. I was becoming a very submissive wife who only wanted to please my husband. Him being so dominant was also a huge turn on. Our love life went from great to amazing! I never felt more secure and loved. I was falling in love with my husband all over again and it was awesome!

Nothing ever lasts forever right? His dominance came in spurts. I’m sure being controlling and being a leader is exhausting so on days where he seemed to relax a bit, I didn’t get frustrated. I welcomed the breathing room. I knew he couldn’t be so extreme 24/7 and I didn’t want him to be. Some of the husband’s in the group were that extreme all the time and their wive’s seemed to feel as though they weren’t good enough or no matter how hard they tried, it was never enough. I didn’t want that. I wanted to find a balance, somewhere in the middle. I decided to write down things that I knew where important to him and things that were important to me. After doing that, I came up with my promises to him and things I was asking from him.

When he came home that day I presented him with 2 lists. One was titled “my promises” and the other was titled “what I ask of you”. My promises were essentially the rules. They were things that were important to us and if broken would justify some type of punishment. There was 20 of them, all were things that I knew I could improve on but were also very achievable. What I asked from him was a much shorter list and were basically things having to do with consistency. Again, all areas he could improve in but definitely doable. Now, we had a guide, a template to follow. Something to defer to, a solid piece of paper that would lessen the confusion.

We found our middle, and we are both happy. It takes work on both our parts but we are both really trying to make this work. Some days are easier than others. Like I said, I am NOT a submissive person by nature so it’s not always easy for me to submit to him. But, because he knows this about me, he is very patient with me. He is the king of a million warnings! We still have bumps, we seem to be going through a rough patch right now. That’s all written out in my recent post “dd on a hiatus”. I’m hoping to get through this rough spot quickly, it’s been about 2 weeks with dd seeming to be gone, and I am sad, frustrated and feeling a little hopeless that it might not return. I hope and pray that I am wrong. I don’t know why it’s so hard for us to just keep moving forward, we seem to do great for a few weeks then have a set back that lasts a while. It’s never me though that stops, it seems that after a while my husband falls off the dd bandwagon. I just don’t get it, he has to see how much better everything is when we are practicing 100%. I am so much more content, happy, loving and just easier to get along with. I’m not the type of wife who acts out hoping to get a punishment. I try and avoid them at all costs. I submit to whatever he decides. If he says he’s going to do a maintenance, I submit. If he tells me no about something, I obey. So why then does he seem to just stop??

I’m hoping we can get back to where we were a few weeks ago, before he got sick. I miss it, I miss the closeness, the secure feeling and most of all, I miss my strong dominant husband. If you see him, please send him home. He has a wife who desperately needs his love and guidance.

SIDE NOTE: regarding the group on Facebook I mentioned. If anyone who is in a genuine, committed dd marriage/relationship and is on facebook and is interested in joining the group, please let me know in a comment with your email address and I will direct you to how to become a member. But, please note, this group is NOT a fetish group or a bdsm group. We are a group of men and women who all live a genuine dd lifestyle. We offer friendships, support, advice and a feeling of having others to turn to who understand this lifestyle. Living this way can often times feel lonely and it’s been a blessing to have these amazing people in my life. Also, like I said, the groupnis completely private, so no one that your friends with on facebook will be able to see that you are a member:-)

2 Responses to “DD, our path to discovering what works for us and the bumps along the way”

  1. bem May 20, 2013 at 6:00 pm #

    I am interested in the fb group. My wife and I started dd about a year ago and are looking for genuine groups to learn from. my email is bradley@imorrow.com

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