I haven’t finished the other entries giving a little history of me and my family yet, but I felt it was important to do an entry on something that happened last night.
Yes, my husband and I practice Domestic Discipline. We have really only been “all in” for a few months. When we first decided to give this a try it wasn’t long before I found out I was pregnant so everything was kinda put on hold. It wasn’t forgotten about, but it wasn’t at the forefront either. Now, we are both 100% dedicated and have hit the ground running 🙂
So, I have my promises which are our version of “rules” and one of those promises is that I will not undermine my husband in front of the kids and I will always back him up. There really isn’t much my husband and I disagree on when it comes to our kids and how we parent them. We both want our children to be respectful, kind people; however there are the ever present road blocks to reaching that goal when you find yourself wondering if you really can raise them the right way, is there a “right” way?
Now, our oldest is only 8 so I won’t say that we are veterans or even seasoned parents. I will say that we do what we feel is best at that moment and hope and pray that some of what we tell and show our son is sticking. Again, he is 8 and he is a product of two people who are stubborn and who were both wild when we were younger, so we are DEFINITELY getting what we gave our parents!! (You got your wish mom) I will say that although our son drives me completely insane 75% of the time, this kid has a heart of gold and a personality like no other. He does however seem to forget his place in our house sometimes and will speak to me as though he is my equal. Last night was one of those times. It was a long day, we found out earlier that our 3 month old daughter has acid reflux (just like daddy) and it was now dinnertime. This is also the same time every night where our daughter is fussy and only wants to be held. I had FINALLY gotten her to fall asleep and got dinner on the table. We weren’t sitting for more than 5 minutes when our son started with “eww, I am NOT eating this!” I know he is a picky eater so I always make food that I know he likes. I don’t make anything crazy with strange ingredients. Last night was cheeseburger fold overs, basically chop meat and cheese folded into a Pillsbury biscuit and baked. They are delicious and very kid friendly, but apparently this time was different. I explained to him what it was and how he’s eaten it before and loved it. He stood his ground and came back with “I don’t care, I’m making a sandwich.” I saw out of the corner of my eye my husbands neck vein starting to bulge, he HATES when our son tries to dictate what is going to happen and he also feels that because I took the time to cook for everyone, everyone should be grateful and eat what I make. So, before I could respond to our sons last rebuttal my husband was already telling him that this is not a restaurant and he can either eat what’s on his plate or not eat at all. This set our son into a tirade of how his life is miserable and we are the meanest parents ever! (Over a cheeseburger, yes he is dramatic) I personally had enough of his attitude and I know my husband was already testing his self control limits, so I told our son to just go to his room and keep his mouth shut. This is where bad got worse….. quickly.
Our son, being MY son who has inherited some of my not so good traits has to get the last word. On his way to his room, I am praying he realized that daddy was reaching his limit and would just be quiet, I am never that lucky. He decides to yell out one more disrespectful, rude comment that was aimed for me. I don’t remember exactly what that comment was now because of everything else that happened afterwards. I do know that whatever it was sent my husband clear over the edge. Before I could try and difuse the bomb that was now my husband, he was already halfway to our sons room. Trying very hard to be submissive and remember my promises, I stayed where I was and said nothing.
Before going any further, I want to make sure that I make it very clear that my husband is the most wonderful father. He is very loving and affectionate and would NEVER EVER hurt one of our kids, aside from the occasional smack on the butt. I know that he would never really hurt our son, I also know that when someone is that angry that accidents can and do happen. I also know that when you spank a child they are going to move and try to escape the strikes that are coming down on their behind. I do trust my husband to control his temper and to know when to stop. The way in which he goes into our sons room is deliberate on his part. He wants our son to realize immediately that he went too far and to have a sense of fear knowing daddy is pissed! So he goes in there like a lunatic and my son started to scream right away.
I cannot see what is happening, I can only hear. I do realize that a child is going to scream the same exact way whether he’s being spanked or being attacked by a grisly, lol. I again, stayed where I was but started to feel that instinct that only a mother has. The one that sends signals to your brain telling you that someone is hurting your child, it really doesn’t matter who that someone is. I started to shake and even though it had been maybe 2 minutes that this was going on, it felt as though it had been an eternity. I snapped….
I went to my sons room and flew the door open so hard and so fast that it slammed into the wall, causing both of them to look at me in shock. I said nothing but gave a look that spoke volumes. I don’t really know who the look was intended for but I wanted to kill both of them. The ONLY thing on my mind was making sure my son was ok, which of course he was and I realized that in 5 seconds. My husband left the room and went outside so he didn’t hear me immediately defending him. I told my son that I was so upset because when he is in trouble, it kills me!! Once it was all over I went back to living room, not knowing he was now mad at me…… GREAT 😦
He was angry that I got involved at all. He said I should have stayed where I was, that I should trust him enough knowing that he wouldn’t seriously hurt him. I tried to explain to him that while I do trust him, I also know that when someone loses control bad things can happen and that I know if God forbid he did accidentally hurt our son he would never forgive himself. I gave him scenarios, what if our son moved while trying to get away and one of your strikes hit too high, near an organ? My husband is 6ft 240lbs of pure muscle, my son doesn’t stand a chance against a strike in the wrong place. I asked that he try and see where I was coming from. I understood HIS point, I needed him to understand MINE. He went into my promises and how I just broke one by doing what I did and that I would be “reminded” of why I need to keep my promises. I very calmly told him that if he feels the need to discipline me then I will submit to him; however I will not apologize for protecting my child. Submissive wife or not, I will ALWAYS follow my instinct.
There was no discipline last night because we were both still angry and it would not have went well for anyone. We talked more about it before going to sleep and came to somewhat of an understanding. (We will never go to bed angry with each other) I asked that if he expects me to stay completely out of any future scuffle with our son, can he please give me a heads up, a clue so that I can go outside and not hear anything. He said he can do that. He also calmed down a bit once he realized that I had actually defended him. In the past that would have went very different. I would have stormed in the room saying something along the line of “touch my kid again and I’ll kill you” so he sees my progress 🙂
This morning as I was making him coffee, both kids were still sleeping and he came into the kitchen and put his arms around me. He turned me so that I was facing him and he kissed my forehead, he said “I get it”. He then told me that he wasn’t going to discipline me because he realized it would be pointless and also because he didn’t feel it was right to punish me for doing what every mother would have done, protect her child. He admitted that if it was the other way around he probably would have done the same, I said I hoped so.
We are still navigating the dd waters but I believe that if we continue to communicate with each other, we can and will overcome any bumps along the way. We are going to make mistakes, but all we can do is learn from them and move on. I am happy and grateful that he has decided not to punish me, but I also realize that if I am going to really truly be submissive and follow his lead then I need to stay where I am and trust him to do what’s best.
I don’t know what will happen the next time, and with our son it won’t be long before I find out! In the meantime, I am going to try and figure out how to be the protective momma bear that I am by nature and the obedient submissive wife that I am by choice, at the same time…… wish me luck 🙂
His Broken Angel 
I’m sorry honey and you have every right to NOT post my comment-but bdsm does NOT belong between you and the kids~being a submissive wife is between you and your mate-it takes BOTH sperm and ovum to create a child and parenting should come equally~as well as discussing what punishments there will be AHEAD of time (yeah been there done that speaking from experience)one parent should NEVER go into a kids room to discipline without prior agreement with the other parent as to what will occur~your husband was in the WRONG
Hi,
I approved your comment because I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion. I also want to clear up any misunderstandings that someone else may have.
First, thank you for following my blog, I hope you enjoy my posts 🙂
Now, I want to make sure its noted that my husband and I do NOT practice bdsm. We practice a lifestyle that is referred to as domestic discipline or taken in hand. What we do and how we live is NOT a fetish. I understand many people believe that dd is part of the bdsm world but the big difference is bdsm is a fetish, dd is not. Domestic discipline does not consist of bondage or sado masochist behaviors. Our lifestyle is not a game nor is it role play. I do not call my husband “master” or wear a collar. He does not punish me as foreplay. I think because dd involves spankings and submission and for many there is something erotic about those two things, they are often seen as the samething. Also, bdsm most times stays in the bedroom whereas domestic discipline is everywhere. It is in the home and outside the home, it serves as a foundation for how we conduct ourselves and treat each other. Perhaps for some who choose to practice dd it is a fetish for them, but for my husband and I it is not. There is NO enjoyment for either of us when a punishment is delivered. It is however; something we have BOTH consented to and believe it is in the best interest of our marriage and family.
As far as handling any punishments regarding our children, we both feel that physical punishment such as a spanking should only be used as a last resort. We both would much rather talk to our kids or take something away from them. There are however times where our sons behavior calls for a few swats on his behind. These occurrences although rare, are not planned. It is an “in the moment” situation. It happens when like I said in my entry, our son has pushed to far and when that happens my husband and I don’t have a conversation about what just happened and how we’re going to handle it. One of us, usually whoever is up first will go and handle it. We are both in agreement that when he deserves a few swats, then that’s what will happen. Being in agreement about it doesn’t make it any less painful for me when it’s my husband doing it. Agreement or not, my instinct will ALWAYS be to protect my child. I just need to tell myself that my husband is doing what is necessary and that my son is ok. His tears are more from fear than anything else. So, I do have to disagree when you say my husband was in the wrong. He was defending me and I appreciate that he does. It’s also important at my sons age that he learn what will not be tolerated. I do however respect your opinion 🙂
wonderful response and I do mean that with all sincerity-I did worry about how my comment would be received~I have no doubt that discipline is an emotional issue and of course I wish the two of you the best~
Thank you 🙂 This lifestyle definitely has many emotions that come along with it, which is why I believe that you must already have a good marriage BEFORE even trying to incorporate discipline. I do appreciate your input and I will always respect the opinions of others 🙂 Thank you again. I also wish you all the best 🙂
Hey there,
Parenting has to be the hardest thing we ever do – and we have no choice but to “figure it out as we go”. My husband & I have 3 (all teenagers at the moment!) and each of them is unique and has to be dealt with differently. Though we are new to ttwd, we are not new to the concept of me submitting to his decisions. But it was always hardest when it came to disciplining our kids. (I’m a total softie)
Though you had a tough evening, I agree with what you did. And I’m so glad that you and your husband quickly realized that you were not going against him.
There have been a couple of times when I’ve gotten between my husband and one of ours when I got that certain feeling – and I did it carefully, gently, and respectfully. He’s thanked me later when he’s had time to think about it. To be clear – I have absolute trust in him – he’s very gentle and patient and I’ve NEVER been afraid of him. He rarely raises his voice – that’s usually been me 😦 – and he has a long fuse. But we are parenting together, and we look out for each other too.
It’s a fine line we walk as we desire to show our submission to our husbands yet deal with the “mama bear” inside. Just wanted to encourage you along the way. 🙂
Thank you so much for the encouragement 🙂 parenting is definitely the hardest job I’ve ever done aside from trying to be a submissive wife, lol. I’m sure it won’t be the last time we “clash” but as long as he knows that I always have his back, we’re good 🙂
I have to agree, there is a huge difference in “taken in hand” and “bdsm” and I do mean huge. Thanks for sharing this wonderful story.
Thank you 🙂 and yes, a HUGE difference!
Howdy,
I know that your post is from months ago, but, I just found the site. I so often don’t have a direct experience that relates, I couldn’t resist saying something when I thought I just might.
I’m the husband and HOH in a DD marriage. We’ve been totally committed to DD for 16 years. The first couple were rocky, mostly because I had issues with the role that I couldn’t sort out in my own head. I was cured of my troubled mind when I remembered that I had a perfect example that explained everything, and I mean everything, once I realized it.
My maternal grandparents had a very structured TIH marriage that was almost totally invisible to me until I was in my 20’s. This is where the tie to the children, their behavior, and husband and wife roles comes in.
It was invisible to me, at the time, because my Grandmother was a loving, precious, but iron-fisted ruler in the household. Anybody that witnessed her running the things could clearly see that this was a matriarchal family. And they would be dead wrong.
Grandpa sat calmly and quietly while she sorted all of us out in seconds if we were being unruly, applying the wooden spoon to backsides if needed. We knew she was completely in charge. But, we didn’t know the word dichotomy, or recognize that we actually knew quite differently, at the same time.
On the rare occasions (like 5 times in my whole childhood) when resistance to correction by one of the grandkids was too much, or Grandma was directly disrespected, she would give Grandpa that certain, almost unnoticeable, half-second-long look, and respectfully get out of the way.
You only had to hear Grandpa explain one time why you will never disrespect Grandma Mar again and exactly what will happen if you do…. looking into his calm eyes and listening to his calm voice, you knew were looking right down the barrel of a hickory switch and listening to a man that you knew, for a fact, had never made a “threat” in his life.
Long story made very short…. The Mar household was run by Grandma. She so loved and trusted Grandpa Mar, that she ran it exactly how he wanted it run. He so loved and trusted her, that he explicitly handed over that authority to her. Even if she handled something differently than he wished, he backed her up completely, 100%. I didn’t know that he was quietly in charge behind the scenes.
One single time, when I was 24, I saw the rare occasion when he spoke up. My Aunt had had a failure in managing my cousin, who was 12, and a total nut ball, at the time. I, very surprisingly to me, was in the room when Grandpa told Grandma that he wished she had handled it differently. She had stepped in and straightened cousin Jason out. Grandpa told her that he would have preferred if she would have let Jason leave, then straightened Aunt Judy out, and let her handle Jason.
Grandma was quiet, calm, and respectful in a way that I had never seen. At the same time, she seemed so shaken, in a very quiet and calm way, that Grandpa spent 5 minutes supporting her and telling her that it was a close call, not an easy choice, he just wanted to explain, he loved her and would always support her.
I didn’t realize until 10 years later, that it was not an accident I was in the room for that. I felt awkward and like I was seeing something impossible in Grandma being submissive, to anybody or anything. Grandpa Mar thought it was the right time for me to see how two people who loved and trusted each other equally still had a structure and different roles.
I think your experience was one of the stepping stones in the building of the trust that it takes to manage kids together. By the time of that story, it had been 40 years since the oldest kids in Grandpa and Grandma’s house were 8 years old. They had lots of time, and lots and lots of grandkids, to build and polish experience before the secret was shown to me. I’m sure they stumbled on those same stepping stones at times.
Trust is strength. Be respectful of each other and don’t let things go silent. You can only build trust by understanding each other. You can only understand if you talk.
Love your site. I still learn (even at my advanced age) from honest, thoughtful expression of other couples adventures.
Conway M.
Hello, Thank you for your comment and for visiting my blog. I apologize that I am just now seeing your comment and responding. Our life has been chaotic the last 9 months and it seems my husband and I were being tested by a higher power to see just how committed to each other and our marriage we really were. We have been dealing with one blow after another but throughout it all, we have not only survived but have found our place in the DD lifestyle again and have almost fallen in love with each other all over again. If the last 9 months have taught me anything, it’s that I may not be blessed with riches or great childhood memories but I AM blessed with an amazing husband who supports me and stands by me no matter what. We have been together a total of 18 years and I still look at him with such awe and a love that runs deeper than I ever imagined. Now that our life is beginning to calm down (I think) I am hoping to be able to dedicate more time to my blog. I have so much to catch up on that my first entry is gonna a while to type lol. Thank you again for visiting and for your advice, I hope you visit again. Take care, Jen